This day has been really really odd. I think it has much to do with last night future despair, I sat around in this empty manison looking at my messages from Uni realising they wanted me. I looked at all the forms for apartments and PA's that I had printed out and I worried, worried, worried. I worried about not getting an apartment- that all the benefits I had been told I had due to my disability wouldnt do. I worried about the fact that there is pretty little time until the courses start and I know just how tricky all these kinds of things are. It will take time, and I will likely just have done before I start.

I don't talk much about this, but it's true- right now things are unfair. And only unfair because I am a disabled. I can not go down to Uni thinking it will work out, there is no such thing as
"it's okay I can stay a bit with Jane Doe and then see what I can do about that once I get there. For me things have to be:
"Okay, I need an apartmen that is set up to work for me, it needs to be close to Uni and the tube. I need a PA (or several) that work for me and listen to my needs in order for me to study well. I need a taxi card
...and I need money...what if I cant study full time, can I fund my life in the city by other means?"

Because I dont talk about these kinds of things alot with able-bodied friends I dont think about it much myself either. Therefore, I think it has just now struck me. And it makes me so nervous. To think that all these things might not work out and my courses start at August 25th.

I have been in touch with all kinds of people (who of course are on vacation an will return on Monday) and I have done what I can with all of this for now. But still- I am known for worrying a lot and this really eats away at me.

Making vain attempts to put my mind elsewhere I have been trying to write a new chapter for my Fishy Femme Fiction, pretty needless to say it hasn't worked out well.
And that's also why I wrote this post. I needed space to ramble and I refuse to stare at that more or less empty Word document for much longer.

I really do have faith that all these things will work out one way or another. Still, I hate this feeling of being hog-tied by my own disability. I just want to able to crash down into this city and take it by storm.

Now I'll see what I can do about the state of this kitchen, and enjoy another night of freedom in the rual mansion. And I want do write. In opposite to- I will write